Sometimes the best thing to do- Is the hardest thing to do.

*Picture of beautiful Maryland where my heart is <3

SO I know it's been a while since I have written - and usually I fight with myself to not blog more than once a day lol. But I have been away in Maryland since Thursday and just got back here to my apartment around 2am this morning - just in time come home, chill out, head to bed, and sleep through 3 alarms without ever waking up, and missing my 2 morning classes - beautiful. At this point, I'd be lucky to not be dropped from those classes but I am hoping I can talk my way around my absense - we will see.

SO I am home relaxing right now, about to shower and then make food, and then off to night class at 6:50pm because I cannot miss another class- and tonight is a review for my Online Journalism class.

I am stressed more than anything about school - and then about money of course. Wait - money - what is that again?>? Riiiiight - cuz I have NONE. I cannot get a freakin job right now to save my life - except bartending and doing promotions here and there - and I feel like a piece of SHIT. I am not a lazy person - well I mean, I am in bed right now on my laptop haha but like I have ALWAYS worked full time, and HARD - ever since I was 15 and was able to work legally. And here I am over 2 months of sittin on my ass without a job. I have scoured the streets of Manhattan - put in at least 30-40 applications/resumes online for jobs off Craigslist and I have asked around and hit people up - and NOTHING is working out. I don't know what else to do.

So here is my main perdicament. I went home fro Easter - saw my family who I love, saw my best girlfriends, saw my ex - had like the BEST time and for the first time in years - didnt really want to leave. But that is not the issue here - my mom sprung something on me that is still weighing heavy on my mind - my family thinks its a great idea for me to move back to Maryland for the summer - before my last semester of college. Move back in - get a job there, not have to pay rent or utilities, just groceries, cell phone, etc. - little things. Then I could put money away, pay off alot of my debt (because I am definitely over getting like 5 calls a day from different collection agencies!)!!!! I am so torn - completely and utterly torn! I KNOW it is a good idea, and its smart -but am I gonna get there and go NUTZ?!! Moving back home means:

1. Back to living under someone else's roof which means having to abide by rules and all that - after 4 years of being on my own, and I don't know how I'm gonna handle that.


2. Having NO way to get around - my mom said we can share the car for my job or whatever but I like going wherever I want WHEN I want by bus, train, whatever and I dont know how to live in the middle of nowhere without my own car *sigh*


3. My family (namely my mom) always being conscious and inquisitive of where I am, who I'm with, when I'll be back, what I was doing etc etc etc and I dont feel that I am grown up - and I have been for 4 years now, I shouldnt have to answer to anyone!


4. If my job is in Baltimore, my mom says I can just live in Baltimore with Michael in his guest bedroom which would mean freedom, but away from my friends in town.


5. Working as a bartender/server and going out in Baltimore means someone would drive, and if its work - that means me, and I dont know how to work or go out and not drink, I'm used to being able to get home here by cab, train, bus, etc etc.

I know my CONS sound like that of a brat, and I should be SO greatful for the offer my mom has given me, adn I AM! I SOOO am! She wants only the best for me, and she is just concerned. And ya know - maybe 3 months in MD wont be that bad - not like I wont be back here come the end of August. I am also afraid of how to talk to my roomie/best friend here in NY - we have been looking at apartments to move into in May/June and we keep talking about how this summer is gonna be the best - popping into the city all the time, living in Astoria, partying, laying out on the beach every Sunday, and like now there is a big chance I have to go and be like - I dont have the money for a security deposit, I dont have the money to move - Im moving home, I'm sorry. Like she is gonna be SO upset and I dont even blame her - its a major disappointment, for both of us, but I just hope she understands - but I am gonna wait til next week to tell her its a major possibility and something I'm thinking of, but not til then - because tomorrow is her bday and this weekend is party party party for the big 23rd, so I dont wanna put on a damper on the festivities.

Also - this guy, who I feel like my parents tried to set me up with - is coming to NYC this weekend - yeah he lives in MD! But his cousin lives in Jersey right outside the city and interns for MTV, so he is coming up to visit him and so I get to play hostess in the city this weekend and show them a good time while partyin it up for my biffle's bday so lets hope that all goes stress-free and seamless but that is rarely the case in my life lol. Either way, I know it will be a good weekend - so I will keep you updated!!!

Anyone have any advice? Feel free to lay it on me!!!

Peace & Love <3>

Todays Rant/ Moments of Clarity! =)

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." — Tupac Shakur

Soo I have always loved this freakin quote - and realized it really does apply ENORMOUSLY to my last 2 blog posts about my exes. Reading back on them kind of makes me laugh and then I'm like oh SHIT my exes can read this but you know what - FUCK IT. lol Sometimes in life - you put the truth out there and let others deal with it. But the quote from Tupac couldnt be more perfect. Move on from things in the past that were no good, and even the ones that were good. Past is the past - learn, and move on, and do not stress anything for a second because the past can never be changed and to be honest - most things going on at this very moment - cannot be changed so why stress them? At the end of the day all's you can do is you. Worry about you and your actions, how you treat others, and how you treat youself - and just do you. If you are confident in all of those things then you have nothing to worry about - let the chips fall where they may.

So other than that - just chillin on the couches with Kristin aka the girlfriend! <3haha and we are watching out Monday night shows including new season of The Hills which starts tonight -yes I am a sucker for the MTV reality shows - ALL of them no matter how gay lol Anyways - making munchies and finishin up some articles for school tomorrow -and workin out starts tomorrow yay!!! Weather has been crappy - but need to whip this body into shape - I haev to shave off about 5 pounds of access LOVIN from these hips and abs because I have 3 photoshoots coming up in the next 2 weeks to get my book updated - eek!! Wish me luck - ta ta for now!!

PPS - tomrrow is 6 days nicotine free!! yayyy!! =)

xox <3

Another EX on my Mind!

OK so another ex boyfriend that is on my mind is.. well names are not important. Either way - an ex and I are back talking ever since I went home to MD for a visit and ended up hanging out with him 3/5 nights which is CRAZY. Him and I have not been together in over 3, almost 4 years! We basically broke up when I moved from MD to NY and tried to keep it going a little but he kind of fell off the bandwagon when I left - started having sex with his ex before me (which wasnt technically cheating, just kind of disappointing, heartbreaking even- at the time) which was also possibly related to the fact that once I wasnt around to be a good influence, he got back into ecstasy and cocaine, which I did not approve of when we were dating.

Now, to go back a bit - we only dated for 3 months - we met at the beginning of the summer of 05, in Ocean City at Senior Week - the LAST place you meet a boyfriend or girlfriend lol it is the place crazy 18 year olds feel their first taste of freedom and drinks LOADS, and hook up with every other horny 18 year old lol and I would be lying if I said I was far beyond that kind of stuff at that age, but I wasnt exactly the hooking up having sex type - I was the girl who made out with everyone but was secretly pretty good, lol

SO we met - and it was discussed up front that I was leaving, so that it would never be anything real - but it just happened. Although it went on only 4 months, I can honestly say he treated me better than any guy ever - and still holds that title to this day. He is an AMAZING guy - we are both pretty laid back and always just enjoyed being around one another so much - I can honeslty say, at 18 years old, he was my best friend and lover - we just loved being together, goin to parties or relaxin and stayin in - I can remember how good we were together like it was yesterday. But I ended it because I thought it was the righ tthing to do = and at the time, it was. but despite how he was when we ended, I have always thought of him fondly. The reason we have not seen much of eachother over the last couple years was that he was dating someone else for the last 2 years who did not allow him to have any contact with me, not because anything innappropriate happened but obviously because she picked up on our bond and that he still felt somethign for me, and she wanted to protect her relationship - which from one woman to another, is understandable - but as you can see - now that they are over and done with - who is the first person he calls. Everytime in the last 2 years that he has broken it off and she has moved out - he has sent me a message online seeing how I am, letting me know he still thinks about me and hopes I am doing well. So I guess recently, we just kinda fell back into place a little. However, I am still here, and he is still living there, and there is 200 miles in between which is ALOT. I have tried the long distance thing, and I will not do it - ever - again. lol I might be really independent but I like my man there - there when I need him. I think long distance relationships can work, but is missing out on alot of the thoughtful, daily, little things that one can do, I don't know - just how I feel.

So here is my perdicament - we talk every day - have already discussed the fact that we would both want to see where this can go, and that we love being together, and the fact that nothing has changed even after almost 4 years, except we have grown up and are even better together than before. HOWEVER, we will not committ with the miles in between. There is a possibility that I will move to Baltimore or DC after graduating in December, but that is a big IF - it is all dependent on where I get the best job offer. Despite whether I love someone or not, my career and myself come first - you have to take care of you, and that is what I have always done. It's not selfish, it's smart at this point and time in the game.

HOWEVER, we talk every day, and we recently quit smoking together, 81 hours ago to be precise and have been depending on one another to stay strong from states away - and I am just starting to depend on him a little in weird ways - like if he were to go back with his ex tomorrow, where would I be? Back without my friend, who has been there everyday for the last couple weeks ago - and I feel like I am taking a huge risk again. And then again - I keep thinking -why let yourself start to feel that again? It's like self-inflicted torture - because its not going to happen. And whereas we do not expect the other to feel a type of "loyalty" by any means, and will continue to go out on dates with other people, I havent wanted to go out and see any other guy since I have been with him a few weeks ago, and I feel like if he told me he went out on a date with a girl, I would feel jealous. And that SUCKS! I don't have any right to feel that way, and I shouldn't but I know I will if and when that day comes. I wish he lived here, or I lived there, I would be with him in a second and life would be peachy, but who knows, I am still very young and have alot of important things I want to accomplish that cannot be altered by a relationship, no matter how important to me.

The one positive thing I can say for his and my relationship (other than the fact that we are quitting smoking together!) is that he sets a standard for me. He has reminded me how I truly deserve to be treated - to have a guy who respects me, takes care of me, and truly just LOVES me for exactly who I am, and vice a versa. So maybe that is the real reason I have not gone out with any of my usual guys up here - because they are nowhere near up to par when compared to my ex. It is like - up here in NY - I have gotten used to guys being selfish, playing games, etc etc, so the second one of them does something sweet and nice - I have become accustomed to be like omg omg omg thats so nice oh I think I like them - are you serious?? It is a very sad reality that you can become accustomed to being treated way less than you should - but HE has reminded me, and I dont feel the need to waste any time on these guys who in no way can compare. So that is his good influence on me, no matter what happens with us in the end, he reminded me who I was, or rather, who I am. =)

Anyways - that is my rant. Tough situation. But then again, life is full of them lol. Great guy - 200 miles - different lives... shit happens. Life is a bunch of lessons so hopefully I will understand the important of this lesson one day soon, before I'm hurt, and without real reason. Oh well - se la vi (or however you spell it!)

Ta ta for now - peace and love <3

xox

Dark Day in the World of Exes

So I hate to start off my first blog on here with negativity BUT it's one of those kind of days I guess.

So how many of you out there feel me on this one -ok here goes. You wake up - perfectly good day AND you find out your ex is officially dating someone new - and no, not through the rumor-mill but through the ever-stalker-friendly Facebook. Now, do not get me wrong, I am over him - happy that it is over, and was NOT stalking him by any means but thought I would be nice and saw the reminder it was his bday so I figured since we are on good terms that I would write a Happy Birthday message on his wall - wen I saw the dreaded "In a Relationship" update with the stupid little heart haha.

Now let me give you just a lilttle background info - it's true we only dated for a short period of time - HOWEVER, he was the one that chased me, and wanted to be exclusive with me for 3 months, and then has the audasity to end it with me after only a month of "official" dating - giving me so BS about "having alot going on right now with his family" and "not being able to give me 100% and be the boyfriend I deserve right now" *cough cough* OK so he may have been the first guy to ever break up with me - BUT I would have to be an idiot to believe that line. Just say - OK it was about the chase - now I got you - I dont want this anymore, or you just wanna go back to being a man whore and have sex with LOTS of different girls, not just one - just dont offend my intelligrance like that!

And now look - only 2 weeks after I saw my very friendly alcohol-saturated ex on St Pattys day - he is officially dating this bitch that I go to school with - who I have seen him with off and on for the last couple months and she now knows I don't care for her - and pushed me into the wall one night when I was bartending at the place where both he and I work, but on different nights. THE NERVE! I told him to take care of it or I would - and he acted shocked that she would do that and said he would "take care of it" and keep her in line lol whatever that means - because if not, I would have her kicked out, and I would never want to go through all that trouble and be immature, but since I work there, or have in the past, it is completely out of line. I am younger than her I think, but I have definitely outgrown fighting- BUT if someone deserves it or goes after me first, I WILL finish it. 3 years since a fight - does not mean I forgot how lol.

But really - to not want a relationship and then get in another one within 4 months - and it just urks me!!! I have never wished I was back with him, NOT for a MINUTE, but I just wanna scream! lol Like WTF?!?! haha I am done ranting there is no point, I have been in a mood for a couple days now for many reasons.

PMS+eye infections+80 hours nicotine free = you do the MATH! lol I am a little borderline bitchy. Think I am gonna go running to blow off some steam, make a yummy dinner, and then get ready for work tonight - promoting the Aguila tequila at Eclipse Restaurant in Jamaica tonight 11 -2am. Not sure I am looking forward to working at a place in Jamaica tonight but whatever - making MONEY is making MONEY and DRINKING for FREE, is DRINKING for FREE! lol

Peace & Love! God Bless!

xox