Another EX on my Mind!

OK so another ex boyfriend that is on my mind is.. well names are not important. Either way - an ex and I are back talking ever since I went home to MD for a visit and ended up hanging out with him 3/5 nights which is CRAZY. Him and I have not been together in over 3, almost 4 years! We basically broke up when I moved from MD to NY and tried to keep it going a little but he kind of fell off the bandwagon when I left - started having sex with his ex before me (which wasnt technically cheating, just kind of disappointing, heartbreaking even- at the time) which was also possibly related to the fact that once I wasnt around to be a good influence, he got back into ecstasy and cocaine, which I did not approve of when we were dating.

Now, to go back a bit - we only dated for 3 months - we met at the beginning of the summer of 05, in Ocean City at Senior Week - the LAST place you meet a boyfriend or girlfriend lol it is the place crazy 18 year olds feel their first taste of freedom and drinks LOADS, and hook up with every other horny 18 year old lol and I would be lying if I said I was far beyond that kind of stuff at that age, but I wasnt exactly the hooking up having sex type - I was the girl who made out with everyone but was secretly pretty good, lol

SO we met - and it was discussed up front that I was leaving, so that it would never be anything real - but it just happened. Although it went on only 4 months, I can honestly say he treated me better than any guy ever - and still holds that title to this day. He is an AMAZING guy - we are both pretty laid back and always just enjoyed being around one another so much - I can honeslty say, at 18 years old, he was my best friend and lover - we just loved being together, goin to parties or relaxin and stayin in - I can remember how good we were together like it was yesterday. But I ended it because I thought it was the righ tthing to do = and at the time, it was. but despite how he was when we ended, I have always thought of him fondly. The reason we have not seen much of eachother over the last couple years was that he was dating someone else for the last 2 years who did not allow him to have any contact with me, not because anything innappropriate happened but obviously because she picked up on our bond and that he still felt somethign for me, and she wanted to protect her relationship - which from one woman to another, is understandable - but as you can see - now that they are over and done with - who is the first person he calls. Everytime in the last 2 years that he has broken it off and she has moved out - he has sent me a message online seeing how I am, letting me know he still thinks about me and hopes I am doing well. So I guess recently, we just kinda fell back into place a little. However, I am still here, and he is still living there, and there is 200 miles in between which is ALOT. I have tried the long distance thing, and I will not do it - ever - again. lol I might be really independent but I like my man there - there when I need him. I think long distance relationships can work, but is missing out on alot of the thoughtful, daily, little things that one can do, I don't know - just how I feel.

So here is my perdicament - we talk every day - have already discussed the fact that we would both want to see where this can go, and that we love being together, and the fact that nothing has changed even after almost 4 years, except we have grown up and are even better together than before. HOWEVER, we will not committ with the miles in between. There is a possibility that I will move to Baltimore or DC after graduating in December, but that is a big IF - it is all dependent on where I get the best job offer. Despite whether I love someone or not, my career and myself come first - you have to take care of you, and that is what I have always done. It's not selfish, it's smart at this point and time in the game.

HOWEVER, we talk every day, and we recently quit smoking together, 81 hours ago to be precise and have been depending on one another to stay strong from states away - and I am just starting to depend on him a little in weird ways - like if he were to go back with his ex tomorrow, where would I be? Back without my friend, who has been there everyday for the last couple weeks ago - and I feel like I am taking a huge risk again. And then again - I keep thinking -why let yourself start to feel that again? It's like self-inflicted torture - because its not going to happen. And whereas we do not expect the other to feel a type of "loyalty" by any means, and will continue to go out on dates with other people, I havent wanted to go out and see any other guy since I have been with him a few weeks ago, and I feel like if he told me he went out on a date with a girl, I would feel jealous. And that SUCKS! I don't have any right to feel that way, and I shouldn't but I know I will if and when that day comes. I wish he lived here, or I lived there, I would be with him in a second and life would be peachy, but who knows, I am still very young and have alot of important things I want to accomplish that cannot be altered by a relationship, no matter how important to me.

The one positive thing I can say for his and my relationship (other than the fact that we are quitting smoking together!) is that he sets a standard for me. He has reminded me how I truly deserve to be treated - to have a guy who respects me, takes care of me, and truly just LOVES me for exactly who I am, and vice a versa. So maybe that is the real reason I have not gone out with any of my usual guys up here - because they are nowhere near up to par when compared to my ex. It is like - up here in NY - I have gotten used to guys being selfish, playing games, etc etc, so the second one of them does something sweet and nice - I have become accustomed to be like omg omg omg thats so nice oh I think I like them - are you serious?? It is a very sad reality that you can become accustomed to being treated way less than you should - but HE has reminded me, and I dont feel the need to waste any time on these guys who in no way can compare. So that is his good influence on me, no matter what happens with us in the end, he reminded me who I was, or rather, who I am. =)

Anyways - that is my rant. Tough situation. But then again, life is full of them lol. Great guy - 200 miles - different lives... shit happens. Life is a bunch of lessons so hopefully I will understand the important of this lesson one day soon, before I'm hurt, and without real reason. Oh well - se la vi (or however you spell it!)

Ta ta for now - peace and love <3

xox